The Winfrey Army Descends

Oprah is coming. Were you aware? If you weren't, we envy you. That means you have adequately sheltered yourself from the trashmedia Chernobyl of Oprah coverage.
Speaking of trashmedia, we get reports today from SMH that Oprah's PR flaks are more obstinate than the terracotta warriors of Xian:

"...journalists wishing to report on Winfrey's visit are asked not just to supply passport photographs, but explain what sort of stories they will write and where they will be used, be prepared to send examples of work and to discuss applications once they have been reviewed."

News.com.au in comparison has cheerfully revealed her itinerary. For example:

The Oprah itinerary

Today

- Audience arrives at Sydney airport on two planes

- Hotel check-in

Early afternoon

- Small groups enjoy walks and bike tours of Sydney and the Opera House

- 4-8pm - Harbour cruise to Taronga Zoo.

Tomorrow

- Oprah arrives on private jet

We suggest another possible itinerary:

Today

- Arrive at plush 5-star hotel. Ignore beggar with pneumonia cough outside the lobby. Buy first authentic Aussie hamburger.

Early Afternoon

- Two hours of interviews with breathless morning talk show hosts. Get paper-cuts from a rabid fan with a placard. Go to Newtown; leave in ignominy from over-consumption of pad thai.

Tomorrow

- Hold court at the pool. Do more interviews to quell rumours of latent lesbianism. Go for drink with Gayle King at the Bank Hotel with the local lacrosse association.