Urban Dictionary adequately defines my feelings for the media magnate:
'Shapeshifter. The only known person in history who can change into any form he/she so desires. This is obviously how she obtains her wealth of information, public opinions and money. She transforms herself into another person to gather what she needs for her overated, over appreciated, decieving day time television show. She feeds on the ignorance of the millions of viewers that worship her.She has supposedly been around since the beginning of time itself, she has asumed many forms and has corrupted many a country. One infamous person you may have heard of, Hitler, was not the man you think he was, he was, as you may have guessed, Oprah, in disguise. She is believed to have been present at the Last Supper. Though she tends to change shapes often, her most famous, and most used form is the overweight, overpaid, deceptive black woman you see on television. She is to be avoided at all costs. She can be anywhere at any time in any shape. You have been warned.'
The way I see it, everyone loves Oprah for all the free shit she gives out every year in her christmas themed 'Oprah's Favourite Things' show. Which essentially achieves nothing but reinforces and infects already slovenly Americans with the doctrines of consumerism and the need to have more stuff.
But no, it doesn't stop there, this rein of terror is about to go global.
All around Sydney, normally rational members of society have been reduced to quivering heaps of liquid membrane after learning that the all mighty Oprah will be coming to Sydney for a final show. Sending our airports and CBD's into a state of distress whilst hijacking the iconic 'Opera House' and renaming it the 'Oprah House'.
I am appalled.
In my personal opinion, Oprah spending her money like it's water is reminiscent of the snot nosed kid or pasty slut that we all went to high school with, socially impaired but eager to please with their parents bank accounts at their disposal. Oprah has such an intense need to be liked that she's resorted to reviewing books and throwing out cars like used condoms in an effort not to fade into obscurity.
It's ok Oprah, take deep breaths. If you go sit over there we can bring you a cold washcloth for your forehead
C. MEOW
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